This advertisement appeared in children’s magazines in the 1970s following studies into child behaviour. Researchers found that children were essentially miniature sociopaths and the only reason they didn’t run amok on murderous rampages was because they couldn’t reach the knife drawer in the kitchen.
Unable to kill en masse, they instead demanded attention by intentionally causing accidents and feigning injury or distress: knocking over boiling pans, slipping in dog excrement, leaping out of police helicopters.
In addition to being irksome, infant tears were deemed to be nothing short of psychological weapons. Parents were warned to arm themselves against the emotional assaults of their offspring, particularly because, if left unchecked, their child might eventually develop dark supernatural powers.
Indeed, for many years people believed that infant sobs contained potentially lethal occult messages. For example, the often-heard whine Please help me, I’m trapped under the front wheels of this bus
, when played backwards sounds like The Moomins will come; they will fuck you up
— via Scarfolk Council
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