Rock Paper Scissors / Eric Karjala

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there’s no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why aren’t sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I’ll tell you why, because paper can’t beat anybody, a rock would tear that paper up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say Oh shit, I’m sorry, I thought paper would protect you — via Fail Blog

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5 Comments


  1. Ai~

    25 May 2011 at 8.04 pm

    This is funny as heck, and thanks for putting an author to the quote! Is it really by Dane Cook? 🙂

    Reply

    • Red Wolf

      25 May 2011 at 8.15 pm

      I went looking for the source when I posted it and there seemed to be fairly universal agreement that it hales from Dane Cook, although the content does seem to vary a bit

      Reply

  2. David Ulevitch

    21 July 2011 at 4.15 am

    It’s not Dane Cook! http://whatsup.foundmagazine.com/?p=138 has the source on the real author.

    Reply

    • Red Wolf

      21 July 2011 at 8.04 am

      Thanks! Post updated.

      Eric Karjala’s original post from 2001 Rock/Papers/Scissors:

      I understand that Scissors can beat Paper and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there’s no fucking way Paper could beat Rock. Apparently, Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock, leaving it immobile. Why the hell can’t Paper do this to Scissors? No, never mind Scissors, why can’t Paper do this to people? Why aren’t sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly smothering students as they attempt to take notes in class? I’ll tell you why: because Paper can’t beat anybody. A rock would tear that shit up in about a minute.

      Whenever I play Rock/Paper/Scissors, I always choose Rock. When somebody claims to have beaten me with their Paper, I punch them in the face with my already-clenched fist. I’ll say, Oh, shit, man, I’m sorry, I thought Paper would protect you. Asshole.

      Reply

  3. ashley richow

    26 July 2011 at 3.15 pm

    where can i buy this sign? i’ve been looking all over!

    Reply

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